i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
