Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
