I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Holy sore nipples Batman
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
