she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
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