you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
