How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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