I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
