I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
