Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
