if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
