I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
