Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
