WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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