she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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