4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
