Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
