What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
