Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
