I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
