How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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