dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
