A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
