i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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