I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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