My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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