just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
