Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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