Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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