Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
