He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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