It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
sex in a hospital.. check
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
