So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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