I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
