They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
