I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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