She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
