whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
