I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
