Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
