My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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