Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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