Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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