plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
