I just cut my nipple shaving
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
