My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
