Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
