You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just forgot I was standing up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
