I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
