I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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