Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Randomize
