isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
