Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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