You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
