Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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