she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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