if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
