I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My penis needs a shock collar
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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